


things to leave at the front door

by snapchat (orphan_account)



Category: Produce 101 (TV), UP10TION
Genre: 25 Lives, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-10-25 13:23:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20724914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/snapchat
Summary: The world around him changes. Wooseok changes.Jinhyuk doesn't.





	things to leave at the front door

**Author's Note:**

> [inspiration](https://s2b2.livejournal.com/142934.html)
> 
> translated into [vietnamese](https://weizuimei.wordpress.com/2020/01/01/weishin-things-to-leave-at-the-front-door/)

_ **1\. the very first time i remember you, you are blond and don't love me back.** _

"You should really lower your standards," Minsoo sighs, staring into the distance, his teeth gnawing idly at the end of his straw.

The campus cafe's always empty at this hour, and for good reason. Who'd want to hang around longer than they have to on a Friday? Save maybe the girl that's been sitting in the corner flipping pages in a physics textbook since the start of their shift. 

"Aren't you supposed to say the opposite?" Jinhyuk asks, looking up from his phone. He's been trying to beat the same level of Candy Crush for the past thirty minutes, noncommittally nodding and _uh-huh_ing to whatever Minsoo's been going on and on about. It's nice working at the same place with a good friend, but every now and then, Jinhyuk thinks he wouldn't mind manning the premises alone. "'_Jinhyuk, you're my best friend and you're out of everyone's leagues._'"

"I'm not going to _lie_ to you."

Jinhyuk feigns hurt. Damn. Lost the level again. "Ouch."

"You're not going to find someone with blonde hair like Elsa's on a campus like ours, Jinhyuk," Minsoo continues. For what it's worth, Minsoo seems to be genuinely concerned about Jinhyuk's love life. Jinhyuk's almost touched, but he just isn't interested in dating. "Sejin's a catch, you know. You should give him a chance. Hey, I even asked Hayoung, and she—"

The entry bell jingles loudly and Minsoo and Jinhyuk both turn their heads simultaneously to greet the new customer. Minsoo's the first to react, but his _Welcome!_ trails off too abruptly, jaw probably dropping in the process.

There's a boy standing in front of them, looking a little puzzled at their less than practiced greetings. He blinks slowly, tufts of bright, almost white, blonde hair framing his face. "Sorry," he apologizes first, and Jinhyuk stammers a _sorry_ back. "I'm looking for someon—"

"Wooseok oppa!" the girl in the corner calls out, her expression brightening, a smile stretching from ear to ear. The smile on _Wooseok_'s face appears out of thin air too, and that's enough to snap Jinhyuk out of his momentary trance. 

"Did you order already?" Wooseok asks, at the same time the girl whines, waddling up to him, "What took you so long?"

Jinhyuk scratches his cheek. _Huh_. 

Minsoo, at the same time, clears his throat and mutters, "_I stand corrected._"

(He sees Wooseok everywhere after that. Accidentally turns his momentary infatuation into something _more_ than just that when they become friends, when Wooseok curls over the plastic table outside of GS25, the last bit of bright blonde dyed out of his hair, fighting off the last of his _soju_ bottle, eyes red and tears welling at the corners as he says, "_We broke up_." 

"Doesn't it suck being in love with him?" Minsoo presses the next day after class, and Jinhyuk knows he's asking because he's worried. "He's so dense. He'll never notice." 

Jinhyuk shrugs, trying in vain to brush off the ache in his chest. "I'm okay with that.)

_ **2\. the next time you are brunet, and you do.** _

"We're all moved in," Jinhyuk announces, brushing dust off of himself. It's weird. Just hours ago, this apartment was empty, nothing but open space and cardboard boxes sequestered to indiscriminate corners. It's still a mess and they have a lot of cleaning left to do, but it's _the__ir _mess now; and they have all of the time in the world to pick at it, piece by piece. "Man, that took forever. I don't want to move another muscle for a week!"

Wooseok's already flopped over onto the couch, energy drained from his body. He lets out a dissatisfied grunt when Jinhyuk collapses on top of him, but it only takes a few seconds before he starts carding his fingers, absentmindedly, through Jinhyuk's hair. 

"Is this real?" Jinhyuk asks. He's using Wooseok's chest as a pillow, and his arms are slow to coil around Woosek's torso. There's a grin on Jinhyuk's face. "Every day when you get back from work, I can say, _welcome home!_"

"Why is it so hard to believe?" Wooseok traces a finger down the slope of Jinhyuk's cheek, drawing his attention until their gazes lock. "Are you going to keep dyeing your hair?" 

"Dunno," Jinhyuk says, eyes closing. "You don't like it?" It's been the same shade of silver for a while now. He should probably give it a break, let his roots relax. 

"Your hair could be bright pink and I don't think I'd care," Wooseok mutters absentmindedly. 

Jinhyuk hums. "Well, I like yours brown." He shifts on the couch and there's a momentary struggle as they both try to get comfortable again. By the end of it, Jinhyuk has what he wants—easy access to kissing Wooseok. So, he does. Starts at the forehead and then smiles against Wooseok's lips. "I like it black too. And blonde." 

Wooseok laughs. "I've never been blonde." He lets his hands fold at the back of Jinhyuk's neck until their foreheads are pressed. _Huh_. Jinhyuk supposes Wooseok's right. "Welcome home, Jinhyuk."

He likes the sound of that. Three years of dating and he practically has Wooseok all to himself.

"Welcome home," Jinhyuk echoes. 

_Home_ has a nice ring to it 

_ **3\. after a while, i give up trying to guess if your hair colour means anything,** _

"So... you just..." Jinhyuk gestures vaguely. "_Do that_?" 

In front of him, Wooseok looks incredibly unamused—borderline embarrassed—as his hair cycles through every color of the rainbow. 

He's not used to this. Wooseok's usually the epitome of triple C: cool, calm, collected, always sitting in the back of their Potions classroom during Gryffindor-Slytherin schedules looking thoroughly disinterested when Seungyoun and Jinhyuk are in the front setting cauldrons on fire (accidentally). He supposes that's why he likes him. Wooseok's the moon to Jinhyuk's sun, and Jinhyuk's been glued to the Slytherin's side since they were first-years on the train to Hogwarts. 

Being sorted into different houses wasn't enough to keep Jinhyuk away for long. Wooseok's his best friend—his _first_ friend—and that's primarily why Jinhyuk's all-the-more blown away by how long Wooseok's kept his secret. 

"I'm not _trying_ to," Wooseok says stiffly, and the tips of his ears are pink (the same shade as his hair—_oops_, not anymore; now it's an angry, embarrassed red) as he turns away. "It's just. Sometimes when I get really stressed or nervous it's out of my control."

"You've been a metamorphmagus for, like, your whole life?" Jinhyuk asks. 

Wooseok only nods.

"And you didn't tell me..."

"Jinhyuk, I didn't mean to keep it a secr—"

"That's so _cool. _What the hell, I'm so jealous!"

He's kind of exaggerating, but it's worth it because Wooseok can't tell. At least, it doesn't seem like he can, because the only reaction Jinhyuk gets is the lift of Wooseok's head, the slight widening of this eyes, and the spread of a just-barely-there blush across his cheeks. He's embarrassed again, but not because he's ashamed, and that's all Jinhyuk can ask for. He hates seeing Wooseok so uncertain. 

"Go back to... hm, pink!" Jinhyuk urges, teasingly. The first thought was _blonde_, the second _brunette_. He settles for pink. "You look cute with bubblegum pink hair. So harmless."

"Shut _up_," Wooseok hisses, but it's without much malice at all.

(Wooseok's hair turns pink two seconds later. Jinhyuk's heart blooms at the sight.)

_ **4\. because even when you don't exist, i'm always in love with you.** _

It's the first time he feels it. That dull emptiness in his life, like something's _missing_. And then all of his dreams are about the same, faceless, nameless person, like Jinhyuk's subconscious, his heart, are all aching for a presence that just refuses to come. 

That's when he realizes that some things, some people are like clockwork. 

From then on, he spends a lot of his time waiting, thinking that tomorrow might be the day Wooseok finally pops up in his life. _I've been here_, Jinhyuk practices saying into a mirror, to the birds, to anything that'll listen without breaking his heart. _I'm still in love with you_.

(Days turn into weeks. Weeks to months, months to years, years to a lifetime—)

Maybe tomorrow Wooseok will show up.

(He doesn't.)

_ **5\. i remember most fondly the lifetimes where we get to grow together,** _

Jinwoo is small. His hands are smaller than Jinhyuk's palms. When he's sleepy, he wriggles closer to Jinhyuk's chest. When he's anything else, he usually cries. Sometimes—though it's rare—he'll giggle, or he'll smile; though the stretch of his lips looks awkward, like he's still trying to figure out how to express how he's feeling.

Wooseok's hand rests at the crook of Jinhyuk's elbow and he leans forward, presses his cheek to Jinhyuk's arm, his eyes never once leaving Jinwoo's face. It's only been forty-eight hours of being a family of three, and Wooseok and Jinhyuk have slept significantly less than they usually do on a weekend, but he doesn't think he would trade it for anything in the world. 

Friendship since they could barely walk. Stumbling through grade school, tiptoeing around each other until an awkward game of spin the bottle—Jinhyuk's first kiss, Wooseok's second. They date for a while, break up in university after a particularly ugly fight that leaves Wooseok crying and Jinhyuk's heart tight. They get back together, though. They always do. The wedding was extravagant because that's how Wooseok's mother operates. Their first apartment was terrible, the sink leaking every other morning. The first trip to the adoption agency is one Jinhyuk remembers like yesterday. Same with the second, the third. And now they're a family. 

His entire life has progressed with Wooseok's. Every chapter going forward is one they'll share. 

"You look like you're going to cry," Wooseok teases, and Jinhyuk notices belatedly that Wooseok's been staring at _him_. 

"I might," admits Jinhyuk. He grins, looks up so his tears don't fall. "Just really happy."

Wooseok tiptoes to kiss the corner of Jinhyuk's lips. "Me too." Jinwoo squirms in Jinhyuk's arms and giggles. "I'm happy too."

_ **6\. when you share your secrets and sorrows and hiding places with me.** _

"Knock, knock?" Jinhyuk says in lieu of greeting, fist rapping gently against the expanse of Wooseok's bedroom door. There's a faint smile on Jinhyuk's face, a defense mechanism, as he takes in the sight of a Wooseok-sized lump on the bed. "Your mom says you haven't been eating."

Wooseok only shifts. "Why are you here?"

"Aw, don't be rude," Jinhyuk jokes. Truth be told, he'd been on a date fifteen minutes ago until he'd gotten a KakaoTalk message from Wooseok's mom asking for Jinhyuk to _check in on him_. He could have waited. Could have dropped by later in the evening after the date was over—they're neighbors after all; Jinhyuk knows Wooseok's door passcode better than he knows his own sometimes. But he didn't wait. Apologized to the girl, told her he'd text her later— 

"We broke up," Wooseok says, stiffly. His voice is hoarse. It takes another second, but eventually, he pokes his head out from beneath the covers, right as Jinhyuk seats himself on the edge of the mattress. "I broke up with him."

Wooseok's eyes are red, exhausted, and there's nothing Jinhyuk wants to do more than lean over and kiss the rest of his tears away.

"I figured," he says instead, reaching out to brush Wooseok's fringe away from his face. "Hey, you're way too good for him, you know? I didn't say anything when you were dating since you said you were happy, but seriously. You were too good for him. And you deserve way better."

The smallest smile works its way onto Wooseok's lips. "Yeah," he murmurs. He shifts again, squirming until he can rest the side of his head atop Jinhyuk's thigh. He's always particularly touchy, clingy, when he's sad. "I don't want to be in a relationship where all we do is fight," Wooseok says, sniffling once. He presses the heel of his hand to his eye, like he's trying to dam any stray tears. "I want it to be easy."

"Easy?" Jinhyuk echoes.

"Yeah," Wooseok continues, his gaze fixed on the wall across them, Jinhyuk's fixed on the side of Wooseok's face. "Like it is for us." 

Later, Jinhyuk ought to text the girl an apology for cutting their date short. He should tell her it won't work out, that he knew it wouldn't but wanted to try. That she should really hate him, if she wants, because his heart's been stupidly honest since day one. And only ever for one person. If only that person could be her. 

"Find someone like me, then," Jinhyuk teases, but his hands are trembling. 

"Maybe." Pin-drop silence. Jinhyuk finds it hard to breathe. "Someday." 

_ **7\. i love how you play along to my bad ideas,** _

The studio is quiet after the rest of the trainees have retired for the night, touting something about a late-night snack. The past thirty minutes were, to put it loosely, a _mess_, and Jinhyuk's face still feels hot from the way Hwanhee and Dongyeol had pestered him and Wooseok about the unintentional revelation of the week.

"I'm going to kill Hwanhee," Wooseok grumbles to himself as he reaches for his water bottle. They're sitting shoulder-to-shoulder in a corner of the room, taking their time leaving because they're both headed to the same place. 

Jinhyuk's heart squeezes at the sight of Wooseok, ears pink, expression fixed into one of sullen irritation. He's embarrassed—Jinhyuk knows he is. 

"Hey," Jinhyuk calls out suddenly, the word leaving his lips before he has the chance to think this through. "Hey, Wooseok?"

Wooseok looks up. "What?"

"I could be your first kiss." Jinhyuk freezes. "I, I mean we could—we could be each other's? Or, uh, shoot, sorry. I just blurted that out without thinking, but I—"

"What?" echoes Wooseok. Their eyes meet this time and Wooseok doesn't look annoyed, only looks confused. "Are you making fun of me right now?"

"No!" Jinhyuk drags a hand down the side of his face. "I... was being serious. Just, uh, I don't know. I thought we could both get it over with. Then maybe Hwanhee and Dongyeol will shut up. I... You're my best friend and I trust you." 

"You make it sound like a first kiss is dangerous."

"I'm not _scared_ of kissing you, I just... trust you. It's supposed to be special, but I trust you to—" 

"Jinhyuk, I'm kidding." 

"Oh."

Silence sits between them, heavy with things unspoken. Wooseok moves first, his hand shifting until it's resting over Jinhyuk's. Jinhyuk closes his eyes out of instinct, almost holds his breath when he feels Wooseok's hair tickling his face, feels Wooseok's breath on his own lips.

It's a short, gentle kiss. Fleeting, really—over before Jinhyuk knows it.

But he knows his face is bright red nonetheless, and there's a special sort of fondness sprouting roots in Jinhyuk's heart at the sight of the back of Wooseok's neck dusted a bashful pink, too.

_ **8\. before you grow up and realize they're bad ideas.** _

"Say the word and we can run away together," Jinhyuk says. The grin on his face is a little deceiving, because as much as it sounds like a joke, Jinhyuk's serious. He's always a little bit serious when it comes to Wooseok. 

Wooseok gives him a pointed look, feigns exasperation—though it's impossible to miss the way he bites back a smile. "I can't run away. I'm the Crown Prince," he says, as though that's explanation enough. And it is, it _should_ be, but Jinhyuk doesn't think it has to be.

"Yeah, but you don't have to be the Crown Prince around me. Say the word, Wooseok. If the weight of the world's too much, we can run away together."

"I wish I could," Wooseok says. He looks away, gaze fixed on the palace gates. "In another life, maybe." 

Jinhyuk digs his nails into his palms. In the next life, maybe he'll be stronger. Better able to shield Wooseok from the harder things in the world. 

"Yeah," he says instead. "I'll be here for you in the meanwhile."

_ **9\. (and in our lives together i have many, many bad ideas)** _

This isn't it. This isn't—_this isn't the life they're supposed to be sharing._

Every other day, something happens: another fight, another stupid argument. Wooseok doesn't smile much these days, and it's hard for Jinhyuk too. He thinks he should try harder, maybe reach out further; maybe he isn't being desperate enough. But it's the fact that this life is less than what Jinhyuk anticipated, the fact that he knows this _isn't_ what they're meant to have, that makes him impatient.

(In the dead of night, sometimes Jinhyuk closes his eyes and hears Wooseok telling him: _I want it to be easy._) 

"Wooseok," Jinhyuk tries, and it's hard, figuring out how to speak, how to put his thoughts to words, but Wooseok's name always rolls off of his tongue like a prayer. In the next life, Jinhyuk thinks, things might be better. _In the next life_, he won't have to grasp at thin air for a tendril of hope. In the next life, he won't have to feel the weight of Wooseok's heartache, his exhaustion, sit on Jinhyuk's shoulders. In the next life, maybe they'll be happier.

But not this life.

Not today, not tomorrow.

"Wooseok," Jinhyuk says again, and his resolve wavers when Wooseok looks him in the eye, gaze searching. "Let's break up."

(It's never easy.)

_ **10\. when we meet as adults you're always much more discerning. i don't blame you.** _

"Do you come around here often?" 

The music's _loud_ and Jinhyuk regrets letting his friends drag him out. It's kind of unfair to Byungchan since it _is _his birthday next weekend, but the week was rough and all Jinhyuk really wants to do, even now, is wind down and spend the weekend in. In the end, he'd been bribed—Seungyoun and Byungchan promising to watch _Frozen 2_ with him on opening weekend—and now that he's found Wooseok, maybe it won't be too terrible a night after all.

"Do you use that line on everyone you see?" Wooseok asks, raising a brow. He looks nice tonight. Always looks nice. It's unfair how Jinhyuk can spot him in a crowd of hundreds, thousands, and yet every time they meet, Wooseok sees him as a stranger. Jinhyuk supposes that's just how the world spins—forward and then backward right when Jinhyuk thinks he's got the hang of it.

"Not everyone," Jinhyuk says with a laugh. "Just the people who catch my eye."

Wooseok's eyes soften. He looks amused. "How many people catch your eye?"

"Just one person."

(It takes two more unplanned run-ins for Wooseok to give Jinhyuk his number. Takes two weeks of texting before Wooseok agrees to a date. In the end, it doesn't work out. They stay friends. Jinhyuk convinces himself he's okay with that.)

_ **11\. yet, always, you forgive me.** _

"You're so bright, it's almost _annoying_," Wooseok says. 

During eclipses, it's easy for Jinhyuk to tiptoe across the expanse of the sky to meet Wooseok halfway. They usually pass each other, like two ships in the night. In the early hours of the morning, sometimes they linger in the same space, counting precious minutes of _together_ until the last tendrils of night, of evening, pull Wooseok from Jinhyuk's grip. 

He's a child of the Sun. Wooseok's a child of the Moon. Between the two of them, it's _Jinhyuk_ who's supposed to be bright, but sometimes he forgets—thinks nothing's more radiant than the way Wooseok smiles when he's caught off-guard. 

"Almost?" 

"Almost." Wooseok rolls his eyes. "You're my one exception. _Annoying_."

"Missed you too," Jinhyuk replies, too easily, the grin on his lips wide and electric. "Sorry. I kept you waiting."

"You did," Wooseok confirms. He clasps a hand around a tiny star, bursts of light filtering through the spaces between his fingers. "I should be angrier considering we don't get time like this often... Don't look at me."

"I can't look at you?" repeats Jinhyuk. He shifts closer until their shoulders are touching. 

"If I see your dumb smile, I'm going to forget why I was angry in the first place." 

"I missed you," Jinhyuk says, a second time. "You're bright too, you know."

"Not like you."

They're two different kinds of light, two different kinds of existence. Jinhyuk isn't sure if he likes this lifetime or if he hates it. It's hard knowing Wooseok's there, knowing how Wooseok feels, but having very little power to do much about it at all. But there's something about the waiting, the yearning, the longing that makes these fleeting, shared moments more precious than the stars that make up the Milky Way. 

"Not like me." Jinhyuk presses his lips to the back of Wooseok's hand, smiles against it. "Brighter." 

_ **12\. as if you understand what's going on,** _

Jinwook gives him a letter. Prefaces it with, _I told him to stop waiting for you_. He's smiling as he says it, like he's sorry; like even though he thought Wooseok ought to give up, he didn't want it to end this way—he wanted it to end happily for the both of them. _I told him to give up because I thought it'd be easier for him, but then..._ And Jinhyuk knows this (that Jinwook really only wanted their broken hearts to mend), knows what happened (that the world feels emptier for a reason, the lights dimmer), so he doesn't ask anything further, doesn't apologize, doesn't do anything but accept the envelope with a tight smile. _Thanks, hyung_, he remembers saying. 

(_Jinhyuk_, the letter reads, the curves of Wooseok's handwriting shakier, less stable. _Sorry for leaving before you. Let's meet again someday. Let's be happier then._)

_He told me something, Jinhyuk_, Jinwook adds before Jinhyuk has the chance to run away. _He said he was born to love you._

_ **13\. and you're making up for all the lifetimes in which one of us doesn't exist,** _

Sometimes, Wooseok's kisses are frantic—like they are today. He wraps his arms around Jinhyuk's neck until they're flush against each other, the couch creaking when they stumble backward onto it. In between the kisses, when Wooseok's moved from Jinhyuk's lips to sear a trail along Jinhyuk's neck, he starts to whisper, starts to speak. _I missed you_, he says, even though they'd only spent the day apart. _I love you_, Wooseok says, and Jinhyuk wonders why he sounds so scared. Somewhere along the way, when Wooseok's calmed down and they've retired to cuddling on the couch, Wooseok curled into Jinhyuk's chest, Jinhyuk's chin atop Wooseok's head, he whispers, _I'm sorry_.

(Later, Wooseok explains vaguely. Says something about how he's been having weird dreams these days that always leave him feeling terrible. _You're there_, he says, _reaching across this huge space for me that gets bigger and bigger and by the time I run over to grab your hand, it's too late. And as you're disappearing, you always say, "I'll see you next time."_) 

_ **14\. and the ones where we just, barely, never meet.** _

"Debut's pushed off again," Sooil tells him. He sounds apologetic, and Jinhyuk's kind of upset because he doesn't think it's anyone _but_ management's fault. But Sooil's always been like that, steadfastly prepared to take responsibility when no one else wants to. "We almost got someone to fill the last slot, but I guess he backed out at the last minute."

"Another trainee?" Jinhyuk asks.

Sooil nods, taking a long sip from his water bottle before crushing the plastic. He lets out a withering sigh, tries to write it off at the last second with a half-hearted smile. "Yeah. They're really set on debuting ten of us, you know? Can't debut if we're only nine. This other guy—he passed the audition, and apparently they were practically _telling_ him he could debut in less than a year... Guess it wasn't what he wanted in the end."

"Do you know him?" 

"Nah, it's just the rumor mill. Can't remember his name... Kim... something? Wooseok, maybe?" 

Jinhyuk clicks his tongue, the weight of disappointment sitting uncomfortably heavy in his stomach. He tries not to let it show. "That's too bad." 

(They don't find each other. Their debut plans get pushed off for another year before they finally, finally get to perform on a stage. Three years later, they disband. Jinhyuk gets a letter in the mail of his new apartment the day after he moves the last of his stuff out of his company locker, probably addressed to the former tenant: _Kim Wooseok_.

Jinhyuk almost laughs.) 

_ **15\. i hate those. i prefer the ones in which you kill me.** _

"You have to leave me behind," Jinhyuk says gently, one trembling hand lifting to cup Wooseok's face. It's cold. Jinhyuk's hand is cold. But the blood seeping through the fabric of his shirt, flesh still purple and searing from the bite—that's warm. "You have to, Wooseok. You can't save me. It's too late."

Wooseok's crying, biting his lower lip so hard that it's starting to bleed. He's busying himself with Jinhyuk's wound, trying to wrap strips of cloth he'd torn from his own shirt around it, to stop the bleeding at the very least. He probably knows it's futile too, but since the start of the apocalypse up until now, they've only had each other. Wooseok doesn't want to be alone. Jinhyuk wishes he didn't have to be. 

"Shut up," Wooseok hisses. "We're getting you out of here. You're going to be fine—"

From the distance, Jinhyuk can make out the low moaning and groaning of another walker, maybe the same one that caught Jinhyuk off-guard earlier while they were trying to snoop around an abandoned campsite. Maybe the zombie's coming back to finish the job. It doesn't matter. Wooseok needs to get out of here. 

"You have to go," Jinhyuk says, sterner now, pushing Wooseok's hands away from his torso. He shakes his head, tries to hold his ground when Wooseok meets his gaze, unforgivingly hurt. "We can't both die. Not here. Wooseok, you have to run. _Right now_."

"No—"

"_Wooseok_." Jinhyuk leans upward with much futility, ignoring the shooting pain in his body as he shifts. He lets his lips brush against Wooseok's, tastes the lingering saltwater tears. They stay like that for a second, selfishly, before they pull apart, centimeters between them. Wooseok's grip on him slackens. They don't have much time. "Run," Jinhyuk says. "_Run_. I love you, okay?"

"Jinhyuk," Wooseok chokes out, desperately.

"I love you," repeats Jinhyuk, smiling in spite of everything. "We'll meet again." 

(He closes his eyes the second Wooseok's retreating backside disappears from his sight. And when he wakes up, the world isn't dark anymore.)

_ **16\. but when all's said and done, i'd rather surrender to you in other ways.** _

He always wakes up first, has just enough time to tiptoe out after getting a glass of water to leave on the bedside table beside Wooseok. They've been fumbling with each other for the past few months, trying to figure out what the boundaries are in this strange dynamic they've fallen into. Jinhyuk has to remind himself that in this lifetime, maybe Wooseok isn't ready to love him back. He's okay with that. Has learned to be okay with worse. 

"Don't go," Wooseok mumbles, voice thick with sleep. He startles Jinhyuk into stubbing his toe against the dresser. 

"Wooseok? Sorry, shit, did I wake you?"

"It's so cold. Don't go yet," Wooseok says, clearer now. He peeks out from beneath the comforter, stretching his arms out before settling his gaze, lazily, on Jinhyuk. The certainty with which Wooseok had spoken seems to waver for a second when he realizes he hasn't been dreaming and Jinhyuk's still here. "I... You don't have to leave every time. I don't mind if you stay."

Jinhyuk falters. "Oh," he says, dumbly. 

"Just... come back to bed?" Wooseok buries himself beneath the covers again. When Jinhyuk climbs back in and wraps his arms around Wooseok, hesitantly, pulling him closer, Wooseok's tense in his embrace for a second before he relaxes, mumbling against Jinhyuk's chest, "You're warm." 

Maybe some questions don't need answers. Not yet.

_ **17\. even though each time, i know i'll see you again, i always wonder** _

They're at the bottom of the food chain, being interns and whatnot. It's hard enough as it is trying to find a decent office job in Seoul; Jinhyuk isn't going to complain about the long hours or the tedious work he doesn't get credit for. He's going to be optimistic about it and remind himself that the late-night hours he spends in the office are never alone. Kim Wooseok is almost always suffering with him. 

"Heading out?" Jinhyuk asks, poking his head up from his laptop when he sees Wooseok reaching for his coat in his periphery.

"Yeah," Wooseok says, rubbing at his eye. "You don't have to walk me back today. I know your deadline's tomorrow. I already called a cab."

Jinhyuk smiles. "If you don't like my company, you can just tell me..."

"You know that isn't it." 

Maybe Jinhyuk should head home soon, too. He's almost done. He can afford to sleep a couple of hours before starting up his work again. 

"Alright, text me when you get home?" Jinhyuk gets a noncommittal nod from Wooseok. He hesitates for a second before typing out some idle values into his Excel spreadsheet. "See you tomorrow?"

Wooseok says it back, easily. "See you tomorrow." 

It's a ritual now. Jinhyuk's safety blanket. Something about hearing Wooseok say _tomorrow_ like a promise always reminds Jinhyuk that there's no use dwelling on the what-ifs beyond that. 

_ **18\. is this the last time?** _

"Nightmare?" Wooseok asks, leaning against the balcony door. Sleep is thick in his eyes. He must have noticed the empty space in bed, must have gotten cold.

Jinhyuk turns from where he's been leaning over the railing, trying to get the frigid air to clear his thoughts for him. He offers Wooseok a faint smile, outstretches a hand and relishes the way Wooseok thoughtlessly, instinctively takes it. "Sort of."

"Want to talk about it?" Wooseok presses himself to Jinhyuk's side, waits as Jinhyuk wraps his arm around his shoulders. 

It's hard to talk about. _I just had a dream that I woke up tomorrow and you were gone._ Jinhyuk shakes his head. _And that was it. You never showed up again._ "I'll be fine."

"Don't bottle it up," Wooseok warns.

"All of my nightmares are about losing you." 

Wooseok's brows furrow into a frown. "Why would you worry about that?"

"I just get scared sometimes."

"Don't."

Tomorrow is always a little terrifying. Wooseok wouldn't understand and Jinhyuk doesn't want him to.

"I'm not going anywhere," Wooseok promises, and he makes it sound so easy. "Even if I did, I would find you. You would find me." 

Jinhyuk's heart skips a beat. He wants to ask, _Are you looking for me too?_ "That's cheesy," he says instead. "Are you promising you'll be in love with me forever?" 

"Who's cheesy?" Wooseok says with a roll of his eyes. "Forever," he echoes. "Tomorrow, the day after, years from now—in my next life." 

"No matter how many lives?" presses Jinhyuk. He tries to make it sound like a joke, but there's a hint of urgency in his voice, desperation. 

Wooseok must pick up on it. "Yeah." He squeezes Jinhyuk's hand. "Tens, hundreds, thousands. Now, come back to bed. I'll chase your nightmares away." 

_ **19\. is that really you?** _

From across the subway station, in the opposite train, Jinhyuk sees a face he _swears_ he'd recognize amidst a sea of people. 

The trains pass each other. It takes a year for Jinhyuk to convince himself that maybe he didn't see anything after all. He's used to finding ghosts in people who aren't Wooseok. 

_ **20\. and what if you're already perfectly happy without me?** _

The tears in Wooseok's eyes are a product of happiness. Jinhyuk thinks he ought to be happy too—if only because he gets to be here, gets to share this moment, this _day_ with Wooseok. He's so close, so impossibly close to finally, _finally_ getting the perfect ending he's been looking for.

And then he looks up from the polished leather of his dress shoes, sees Wooseok's fiancee standing opposite him, her cheeks pink, the train of her ivory dress like sea-foam behind her.

So close. Never close enough.

Wooseok looks up at the sky to will his tears back. Jinhyuk wants to wipe them away.

He doesn't.

(Later, at the reception, when Wooseok's buzzing from adrenaline, from a flute or two of champagne, he throws his arms around Jinhyuk and buries his face in the crook of his neck. Says, _I love you, Jinhyuk_. Says, _You're my best friend._ Says, _Thank you for being my best man._

Jinhyuk hugs him back. He's selfish like that.) 

_ **21\. ah, but i don't blame you;** _

Yein had _insisted_ Jinhyuk come along to their university's annual summer festival. There are a ton of different acts, idols and bands from every step of the spectrum performing on a giant stage otherwise unused during the school year. It's free admission if they have their student ID cards, but even then, the seats are full, people overflowing from the stands by the time he and Yein actually make it. 

"There's this soloist I really like," Yein explains as they try to weave through the crowd, finally managing to get some decent seats a safe distance from the school's spirit club. "His name's Kim Wooseok. He sang this OST for..."

In some lifetimes, Wooseok is like a distant star that simply cannot be reached. Jinhyuk figures this is probably one of them. He'll spend his days teaching himself to befriend the distance, to learn (_relearn_) how to love without anticipation. 

"Are you listening to me?" Yein huffs. 

Jinhyuk tears his gaze from the side of the stage, where he swears he sees a silhouette of someone he ought to know. "Huh? Yeah. He sang an OST for—"

_ **22\. i'll never burn as brilliantly as you.** _

"He seems strong—he _is_ strong, and he won't ever make it seem like he needs or wants your help," Jinhyuk starts to stammer, the smile on his lips quavering with each word he forces out of his mouth. "But you have to reach out. Sometimes, he won't let you at first. But you have to keep pushing until he lets you, until he knows you won't run away when you see him at his worst or at his weakest or—" The breath that leaves his ribcage cuts. It hurts. "He's a handful, you know? He'll tell you to pick dinner, but he always wants chicken feet. When he gets mad, he'll stop talking to you, and when he _has_ to say something, he'll be cold. But you have to remember that he's mad at himself for hurting you too, so you just have to be patient. Apologize first, let him figure himself out." 

The lights in this restaurant are bright and fluorescent. Jinhyuk's hit with a burst of lethargy. He wants to go home, but out of the corner of his eye, he sees Wooseok laugh at the counter, trying to point to something on the overhead menu to the old lady manning the cash register. He's rocking on the balls of his feet, clearly in a good mood, and Jinhyuk's chest feels tight and uncomfortable. 

He looks away.

"Wooseok's my best friend," Jinhyuk continues, and it's crazy how he can manage a laugh when he's sitting across Wooseok's new boyfriend, nursing a broken heart while trying to convince himself that it's just one life and maybe in the next one, he'll get a happy ending too. _I think I'm in love with him_, Wooseok had told him the night before, completely oblivious to the way Jinhyuk's entire world crumbled in that single instant. _You deserve it,_ Jinhyuk had replied. And he meant it. Means it, still. "I love him a lot. He's really important to me. I just—I'm glad he's happy with you, and I hope you can keep taking care of him."

Their conversation lapses into something easier. By the time Wooseok comes back, Jinhyuk's coaxed the brunt of the pain out of his chest. 

"What are you guys talking about?" Wooseok asks, sliding into the chair across Jinhyuk. The suspicion in his gaze is playful, and Jinhyuk can only offer a smile.

"I'm just laying down some ground rules," Jinhyuk says, smile widening into a grin. He can tell Wooseok doubts him for a second—might see through Jinhyuk for a second—but neither of them say a word. 

Once, Wooseok compared Jinhyuk to the sun; told him, _You're so bright, it's almost annoying. _

(_Almost?_ Jinhyuk asked. _Almost_, Wooseok confirmed. _You're my one exception._)

Jinhyuk thinks Wooseok's the sun: a quiet, unapologetic sort of light to his entire existence—searing to the touch. It's been so long just being in love with Wooseok, Jinhyuk isn't even scared that his wax wings will melt anymore. If they melt, they melt. So be it. This is how it's meant to be. 

"What are you, my dad?" Wooseok raises a brow. His arm bumps against his boyfriend's. They're probably holding hands beneath the table, but Jinhyuk doesn't want to look.

"Nah," says Jinhyuk, leaning back in his seat. "Just your best friend."

_ **23\. it's only fair that i should be the one** _

Wooseok has a high tolerance, but when he gets drunk, it's like he unlocks the door to the safe where he's been harboring all of his emotions, all of his vulnerabilities—every single one of his insecurities. The cool, calm, collected persona he clings to in front of everyone else dissipates, dissolves into nothing.

He's clinging to Jinhyuk for dear life, arms looped around Jinhyuk's waist, cheek smushed into his side. Hongdae on a Friday night is busier than should be legal. The smell of alcohol and cigarette smoke is thick in the air, and instinctively, when a group of people tries to squeeze past them on an already-crowded path, Jinhyuk pulls Wooseok closer, one arm looped protectively around his shoulders.

"_Jinhyuuuuuuuk_," Wooseok drawls out. "I'm such an asshole. I'm such an asshole, Jinhyuk. Why do you like me? You're so bad at hiding it. Why do you like me? Like someone else. You deserve someone who likes you back, Jinhyuk."

"What are you saying?" Jinhyuk says, good-naturedly, only because he knows come tomorrow morning, Wooseok won't remember (or he'll be very good at pretending to forget) anything. "What makes you think I like you?" _Why can't you like me back?_

"I wish I loved you the way you loved me," Wooseok murmurs isntead. He sounds sleepy. How _unfair_ that he can say things like that and break Jinhyuk's heart for the nth time without even knowing. "I love you. I love you so much. Not like that, though. Not the way you do." 

"You don't have to—"

"You should give up on me."

Jinhyuk lets out a laugh, something small but raw, torn from the walls of his throat. "I can't do that, Wooseok." 

"You should, Jinhyuk. You should. You really, really, _really_ should."

(One of his least favorite lifetimes is the one where Wooseok left him first. Where they could have had a happy ending but they didn't because fate was cruel, the world unkind. Jinhyuk promised himself he wouldn't push Wooseok away again—not like he did then. 

Jinwook's words are a constant reminder. _He said he was born to love you._)

"I can't," Jinhyuk repeats, squeezing Wooseok's shoulder gently. Wooseok's arms tighten around his torso. "I don't want to." 

_ **24\. to chase you across ten, twenty-five, a hundred lifetimes** _

With each new life, everything changes. Sometimes, he wakes up in a brand new city; finds himself traversing streets he's never seen before. Other time, he wakes up in Seoul—most times, he wakes up in the same apartment, startled out of bed by his mother calling his name from the kitchen. But there are always subtle changes. No city is the same. The billboards are different, the buildings aren't the same, the rickety old train to one strip of _Gangbuk_ sometimes doesn't make a single noise. 

Most of all, the people change. What they remember changes. Wooseok changes—he always changes. Yein changes. Minsoo changes. Everyone changes.

Everyone except for Jinhyuk. 

The first few lives were the hardest, trying to fumble with bitterness and acquiescence. The learning curve was steep and it took longer than not for Jinhyuk to figure out that this was out of his control, would always be out of his control. His heart's a muscle, trained to love one person, to chase after one star, and old habits are hard to break. 

He's better now. He's used to it now. He's accepted it now. 

Wooseok peeks his head out from the balcony window, waving a hand at Jinhyuk, who's been waiting by their building's entryway since ten minutes ago. They'll probably be late to class again, and Mr. Lee will have to make them raise their arms in the halls, but Jinhyuk can never bring himself to get annoyed with Wooseok. Not when he's like this: hair still in disarray, toothbrush poking past his lips, glasses lopsided on his face.

"Ten minutes!" Wooseok calls out, voice garbled with toothpaste foam. "Give me ten minutes!"

Jinhyuk hides a grin behind his hand. "Yeah, yeah," he shouts back. "I'll be here waiting." 

Nothing he isn't used to.

_ **25\. until i find the one where you'll return to me.** _

"Jinhyuk," Wooseok just barely manages to choke out. He hates seeing Wooseok cry, has _seen_ Wooseok cry too many times over too many lifetimes. He wants to smile for him, but it's hard. It feels too much like goodbye.

Between them, there's a long path, a sea of unfamiliar faces.

Wooseok's voice falters, and then: "Thank you for showing up in my life. I love you."

Something bursts at the very center of his ribcage. _Oh_, he's crying—and it hurts, really, it _aches_, but he's hyperaware that this doesn't feel like farewell after all.

_Me too_, Jinhyuk mouths back. _I love you too._

(Backstage, Wooseok tumbles into Jinhyuk's arms, clings onto him for dear life. "You should be with me," Wooseok whispers. "I wanted you to be with me." 

"I _am_ with you," Jinhyuk replies too easily, pressing his lips to Wooseok's forehead. "Always."

"I love you," Wooseok says again, hands grabbing fistfuls of the back of Jinhyuk's blazer. He's leaning, reaching upward, until their lips brush.

This is their happy ending. This will be their happy ending. Jinhyuk feels it in the marrow of his bones. 

"I love you too," he says aloud, promises of forever (not a single farewell) uttered in between lingering kisses. "I really, really do.")

* * *

(_**0\. i hope that one is ours forever.**_

"Is it hard? Are you getting sleep? Are you eating all of your meals? Make sure to take your vitamins, too. Minsoo said his grandma sent him some _hanyak_—do you want me to send you some?" 

"Jinhyuk," Wooseok breathes out, exasperated. At the last second, his sigh trails off into a laugh. "I'm _fine_." 

"I know, I know," Jinhyuk grumbles. "I just miss you. Don't you miss me too?"

Wooseok stifles another laugh, sinking back into his bad. He pulls the covers up over his head, turning onto his side. Everyone else is still awake, chatting in the living room—probably loud enough that they'll get another noise complaint. Wooseok should probably be there with them, but these tiny slivers of the day that he gets to himself are vital, precious.

"Wow, Kim Wooseok, you're breaking my heart!" 

"I miss you too, you idiot," Wooseok says. He bites back a smile as he tries to picture Jinhyuk, too. He's probably lying in bed, maybe back at their group's dorm, maybe at home. Maybe he hasn't wiped the make-up off from his filming earlier today. Wooseok has the selfie Jinhyuk sent him on KakaoTalk set as his new background. "I miss you a lot."

A comfortable silence sits between them. During the first few weeks apart, silences like this one almost seemed like waste, as though they were throwing away precious minutes that they could spend talking, whispering reminders to each other. They know better now. Silence isn't anything to be scared of; just like the future doesn't have to be daunting. Wooseok doesn't have to sprint to try to make the most of what they have now. All he has to do is anticipate what they'll have tomorrow. 

"I love you," Wooseok adds after a beat passes, the words stumbling past his lips clumsily, as they always do. 

He hears Jinhyuk laugh faintly, fondly. "I love you," comes the easy response. "I'll always be waiting with open arms."

Twenty-five lives of chasing after Lee Jinhyuk. 

Wooseok smiles. "I know." He closes his eyes. "Me too.")

**Author's Note:**

> > "i must have loved you in other lives  
because when i see you  
it feels like coming home.  
no one makes me feel  
more myself than you.  
when my hand is in yours  
it’s familiar and safe,  
like i’ve known your soul  
since the beginning of time,  
through all the lives i’ve lived.  
maybe that’s why  
my love for you is infinite."  



End file.
